My system, Abyss, was created through childhood trauma that I don't remember. Some adulthood trauma has also been mixed in there, since I retained the dissociative mechanism as a maladaptive coping skill later into life.

I know the trauma happened partly because of a small and loose handful of facts, but mostly because of an abundance of nightmares and aftermath symptoms.

I believe I have suffered the following traumatic experiences:

• It's my shaky understanding, largely reconstituted from sparse and abstract fragments of memories, that my father…
  • violently sexually assaulted me at home at least once;
  • repeatedly molested me in a gentler manner both at home and at outings;
  • at least once smuggled me out of the house in a suitcase to share with his friends;
  • and may have also molested me during supervised visitation.
• I am also more consciously aware that my mother yelled at me a lot and made me feel worthless and suicidal…
• … and that despite that, she loved me very deeply, and was my only friend, and it was traumatic for me when she passed away unexpectedly in my early adulthood.
• I'm also consciously aware that I was bullied extensively in elementary school, but don't remember most of it.

My mother and father had always had a very difficult relationship. He was struggling with addiction. He would verbally and I believe also physically abuse her. She would argue back just as viciously, but I don't think she ever hit him back. He also cheated on her with several other women, including at least one he conceived another child with.

When I was four years old, I woke up one morning, fog-brained and emotionally numb, yet crying my eyes out for some reason I didn't understand, and found I had no memory of anything that had ever happened in my life prior to that point. I went and played with some toys but couldn't stop crying. My mother sat me down on a stool and interrogated me as to why I was so upset, and I found myself telling a story I didn't recognize. “He peed on my tummy.” I was able to elaborate to some extent and tell my mother I was referring to my father. The entire time I was speaking, I didn't know where the words were coming from. I wasn't intentionally fabricating them, but I didn't remember what I was talking about, either. They were just spilling out of my mouth, and I had no ability to control their content.

My mother has told me that at that time, she examined me intimately for evidence of anything he had done. She did find evidence, but it was inconclusive: namely, noticeable gaping. She has also told me that the night before, she fell asleep at the dining table, and woke up with an awful headache, and suspected my father had spiked her drink. She has also told me that he used to regularly have untrustworthy friends over who were known domestic abusers and/or cheaters, and she felt a need to try to protect me from contact with them, and he would try to negotiate with her to get me out of the house to go see them or get me alone in a room with them. None of this is absolute proof, but taken together, it strikes me as great cause for suspicion.

CPS dismissed our criminal case due to insufficient evidence to prosecute, but we brought civil charges, and the evidence, whatever it may have been, was strong enough for preponderance. Accordingly, we were able to win a restraining order and a child support agreement.

TODO

I have treatment-resistant depression, EDNOS, and, most tellingly, anxiety attacks and intense crying spells that happen when I think about or engage with the sorts of things that theoretically would probably remind me of my trauma if I remembered it.