====== Headspace ====== "Headspace" is what I call the interior of [[headspace:Abyss]] as viewed through a variety of [[theories:dissociative_mechanisms|dissociative]] lenses that distort and fictionalize it into something fantastical so I don't have to think about it as hard. I won't elaborate much on each location (i.e. won't give each location its own page) because I don't think it would be very useful to my healing process. I //could,// but each specific location is a metaphor, and the usefulness of each metaphor is transient. If there are places in there where I don't go anymore, it's probably because nothing remains to be gained from going there, and if I focus too intently on places that no longer serve a purpose, my [[headmates:start]] could get [[theories:redshift#tethering|stuck]] there. I changed my mind. The single-page list wasn't really cutting it. I ended up reproducing the more per-location-individualized format I used in the previous iteration of this subsite, but I've tried to cut down on melodrama a bit this time. * [[headspace:Black void]] * [[headspace:Abyss]] * [[headspace:Ocean]] * [[headspace:Wasteland]] * [[headspace:Tower]] * [[headspace:Mine shaft]] * [[headspace:Flying castle]] * [[headspace:Witch island]] * [[headspace:Orphan island]] * [[headspace:Forest mountain]] * [[headspace:Mountain city]] * [[headspace:Mom's house]] * [[headspace:Car]] * [[headspace:Park]] * [[headspace:Infinite offturn]] * [[headspace:High school]] * [[headspace:University]] * [[headspace:Valley of acid rain]] * [[headspace:Cabin]] * [[headspace:Land of the big funky bugs]] * [[headspace:Civic auditorium]] * [[headspace:Friend's house]] * [[headspace:Mannequin city]] * [[headspace:Dad's house]] * [[headspace:Stranger's house]] * [[headspace:Hotel/hospital]] * [[headspace:Supervised visitation office]] * [[headspace:Abandoned elementary school]] * [[headspace:Mobile shelter]] * [[headspace:News station]] * [[headspace:Shopping mall]] * [[headspace:Grocery store]] * [[headspace:Thrift store]] * [[headspace:Pharmacy]] * [[headspace:Public bathrooms]] * [[headspace:Network of swimming pools]] * [[headspace:Empty parking garage]] * [[headspace:Airport]] * [[headspace:Museum in outer space]] * [[headspace:Suitspace]] * [[headspace:Hell]] * [[headspace:Meat locker]] * [[headspace:Featureless white room]] ===== What does it mean? ===== Psychoanalyzing yourself is never advisable per se, I don't think---but for better or worse, I'm no stranger to it. So, here's what I think... * The [[headspace:black void]], and how [[headspace:Abyss]] itself presents there, clearly represent my primary self-disconnect overall. There's //me,// and then there's //everything I don't get to know// about my own thought processes. * The [[headspace:ocean]] represents the splits within me. Instead of one landmass, my mind is divided into islands. * The [[headspace:wasteland]] represents isolation, feeling trapped within myself, and feeling undeserving and less than human. * The [[headspace:flying castle]] represents the modicum of love I still feel for my father, and how even that has been tainted with anger. * The [[headspace:witch island]]... I don't really know. Seems like just a chill place for some of us to hang out and talk. Maybe it controls my mood? * The [[headspace:orphan island]] clearly represents that I feel like I tore my family apart, was ignored and gaslit by psychiatric professionals, and really ended up only having myself to rely on when it came to this stuff. * The [[headspace:forest mountain]] is the nexus of all my happy memories, or at least all the memories I find it easy to accept. * The [[headspace:valley of acid rain]] is where I grieve. * The [[headspace:land of the big funky bugs]] is an in-between state between acceptable and unacceptable. Things I can access mentally if I try, but actively don't want to deal with, go here. Like, for instance, leaving the house to pick up my prescriptions, or owning up to bad things I did in my childhood. * The [[headspace:mannequin city]] is horrible awful nightmare world where all the worst and most unacceptable things go. //Except// for certain //really// bad things. The //facts// live in mannequin city. But they're decoys. The //emotions...// well... * The [[headspace:shopping mall]] represents an intersection point where different memories all blend together and get confusing. * The [[headspace:museum in outer space]] very clearly reflects some of my more subtle, toxic-positivity-oriented [[theories:dissociative mechanisms]], namely //glorification, fictionalization, analysis, fetishization,// and //endogenic perturbation.// * [[headspace:Suitspace]] is my "integration station." It's where I work to tie things together. * [[headspace:Hell]] is the realm of "if I'm so bad, let me be bad." The place where shame and anger come together to birth a //reclaimed// negative self-image. "I am the devil and that makes me cool as fuck." * The [[headspace:meat locker]] is where potent trauma-related emotions are stored that I am ready to confront, but haven't yet. * The [[headspace:featureless white room]] is the world of everything that's still stronger than me. ===== Typology ===== I discover these locations through one of two avenues: * A: by dreaming about them or seeing intrusive mental images of them (//subconscious//); * B: by daydreaming about them or feeling compelled to include them in creative works (//autojected//). In general, to be eligible for consideration as a part of my headspace per se, a location must either: - be the setting of important events; - or, feel physically connected to several other places in headspace; - or, simply feel like an important place to me. This suggests a typology that can be used to classify headspace locations: * A1: subconscious event site; * A2: subconscious nexus; * A3: subconscious independent; * B2: autojected nexus; * B3: autojected independent. In theory, type B1 would be an autojected event site---that is, the setting of a daydream or creative work of mine, wherein the daydream or creative work has personal significance to me but the setting does not---but I don't find it useful to actually consider such locations to belong to my headspace. I will further qualify the type specifiers with the following suffices: * -//b//: __b__lended; the location is associated with more than one specifically identifiable real-life source but they have all been rolled into one idea; * -//c//: __c__onfining; it is possible to become trapped in this location; * -//f//: __f__luid; the location has a highly dynamic structure and is easy to get lost in; * -//h//: __h__azy; the location or its associated event is recalled from a real-life source, but my recollection of it is //not// entirely conscious or clear; * -//m//: __m__emory; the location or its associated event is consciously and //clearly// recalled from a specific real-life source; * -//r//: __r__ecurring; the location or its associated event keeps coming up in my mind repeatedly; * -//s//: __s__tream-of-consciousness: an autojected location contains subconscious elements; * -//t//: __t__raumatic; the location is associated with a specific and concrete real-life [[functioning:trauma|traumatic]] event or category of events, whether certain or only suspected; * +: positive; the location is connected mainly to positive feelings; * -: negative; the location is connected mainly to negative feelings, but //not// to any specific and concrete real-life traumatic event or category of events.