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--- trauma [2026/05/26 18:33] – jaime
+++ trauma [2026/05/26 19:42] (current) – ["It was all real" nightmare] jaime
@@ Line 59: / Line 59: @@
 ==== Abandoned elementary school ====
-I used to dream often about an abandoned elementary school where a pulsating black mass would chase me through the halls and playgrounds. I believe these dreams symbolized the bullying I endured.
+I used to dream often about an [[headspace:abandoned elementary school]] where a pulsating black mass would chase me through the halls and playgrounds. I believe these dreams symbolized the bullying I endured.
 ==== Suitcase nightmare ====
-I had a dream that I was digging through a suitcase on the bed with my mother and looking for a pill bottle. We found the pill bottle, expecting it to incriminate my father. Instead, the name we found on it was that of the person who ran the daycare(?)
+I had a dream that I was digging through a [[headspace:suitspace|suitcase]] on the [[headspace:bedroom|bed]] with my mother and looking for a pill bottle. We found the pill bottle, expecting it to incriminate my father. Instead, the name we found on it was that of the person who ran the daycare(?)
 The dream then rewound to what I was to understand was an earlier point in time. A strange man had the same suitcase laid out on the same bed. He opened it, and I was curled up inside, naked, bruised, and awake but unresponsive. He lifted me out of the suitcase and lay me sprawled out on his bed.
 I was allowed semantic understanding, but not actually shown, that the way I had been put into that suitcase in the first place was this: Another man, maybe the same one, maybe not, maybe my father, maybe not, had beaten me to convince me to take a pill misleadingly offered to me as pain medication. "Take your medicine, little [[headmates:Jaime]]. It will make all that pain go away." The actual purpose was to drug me into a pseudocatatonic state to make me pliable and quiet so I could be loaded into the suitcase and smuggled out of the house without raising suspicion.
+==== Thighs nightmare ====
+I had a dream that I was in a [[headspace:hotel]]-like bedroom with an integrated bathroom. I was a child, in this dream, as with the others. I lay naked on the bed. The bathroom door was open to encourage me to watch as an unfamiliar man showered inside, preparing himself to join me. I looked away from him and down over my bare thighs. In the left, I felt excitement to be loved and wanted again. In the right, I felt terror, knowing from experience the violation it would cost.
+==== "It was all real" nightmare ====
+In this dream, I saw [[headmates:Singer]] in an unlit room in a [[headspace:cabin]]. She was sitting against the wall, with [[headmates:mom|her stuffed rabbit]] by her side. I crouched down across from her and listened to what she had to say.
+> All of it was real. You think you have it bad //now// just with what //you've// had to remember so far? You couldn't even //imagine// what //I// remember. //We// don't have the //luxury// of doubting it.
+==== "None of it was real" nightmare ====
+In this dream, my father---as himself, not as the shadowy figure that normally represents him---hosted me at his house to have sex with me in the living room on an air mattress. I didn't want to, but I went along with it anyway because I felt powerless to refuse, and politely made sure it didn't show through at all that I didn't like it. As he was having his way with me yet again, he praised me for my obedience, telling me he was so glad I had finally realized none of it had ever happened---including what we were doing at that very moment(!?)---and he was an innocent man and I had been brainwashed against him (which is an accusation he frequently made in real life).